“If he didn’t kill me, I’d have killed myself.”

Domestic abuse victim speaks out as new risk assessment introduced to safeguard those most at risk to safeguard those most at risk

A domestic abuse victim has shared her harrowing story as a new risk assessment is introduced to help frontline officers respond to domestic abuse incidents.

From 1 July, all officers will use the new bespoke domestic abuse risk assessment, which is designed to make sure they ask probing questions to help identify coercive and controlling behaviour.

“This is a big change in how we respond to domestic abuse incidents,” explains Detective Chief Inspector Andrea Dalton from the Domestic Abuse Investigation and Safeguarding Unit (DAISU).

“The new risk assessment was designed specifically for frontline officers to help them more easily identify coercive and controlling behaviour – the form of domestic abuse which presents one of the greatest threats of harm to victims.”

She added: “I’d like to thank Sharon for her bravery in sharing her experiences and would urge anyone reading this, who is in a situation like Sharon’s, to know there is help out there for them. You can contact the police for help or alternatively speak to the Herts Domestic Abuse Helpline (opens in a new window).

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“If he didn’t kill me, I’d have killed myself.”

Sharon, age 46, from Watford was a successful confident woman when she met her boyfriend – but after their brief nine-month relationship, she had lost her children, her career, her confidence, her money, she had been physically and emotionally abused and even ended up with a criminal record.

After quickly moving into her family home in 2018, he took control of Sharon’s finances racking up £23,000 in debt and he regularly physically abused her and controlled her.

She said: “The worst thing was not the bruises, but the fact that my children couldn’t live here anymore – I’d make sure my daughter was out of the house as I knew what was coming.  I tried to cover up for him, making excuses like I’d been in a car accident.  I’d wake up every day in physical pain, but after a while I didn’t feel the pain. I’m angry at myself for allowing it to happen but by then I was completely broken – I was like a puppet on a string.”

On one occasion, he tried to strangle her, broke her cheek bone, fractured her eye socket and pulled out six inches of her hair in a hotel room.  “I didn’t even feel my hair being torn out – I was numb with pain.”

A week later, he broke her eye socket.

She said: “I didn’t see my friends and family. It was carnage every day – how did I live like that? How does anyone live like that? It’s so hard to describe.  He was a physically big man and I was terrified of him. I’d lost myself.  He would treat me like a child – tell me what to wear, how to wash up and I was trained to take him lunch every day. 

“My biggest regret is the impact this has had on my children – both at the time and their relationships now.  Social services got involved.  The frustrating thing is that I know I’m a great mum, but I let myself and my kids down.  Luckily, I have a great relationship with my children, but they have seen and heard things that children shouldn’t be exposed to, and it will have a lasting effect on them.”

Sharon started drinking and before long was drinking heavily. Things became so unbearable that she took an overdose. “I went from having the world at my feet to becoming a mere shadow of myself. He destroyed me and every aspect of my life and I was left with nothing.”

She was caught drink driving in 2020 and now has a conviction.

During another incident, he smashed up her house before police were called and he was arrested.

She said: “I had to get rid of everything in the house – most of it was damaged anyway, but anything that reminded me of him, including cutlery. I’ve become a bit of a recluse – not venturing out to see people in case I bump into him.  I always think I might see him and that frightens me. I had 18 panic attacks in one day and took an overdose. My home of 23 years is full of horrible memories.  I’m now moving as I need to leave it all behind. I want to go out, I want to go to work again, I want my freedom. I want to be normal again. I am getting there but it’s been so hard. I still get flashbacks.”

The effects of the short-term relationship is evident four years later, but Sharon’s prospects are looking up as she has found a job as a prison officer.

She said: “I wasn’t able to go back to working for the NHS because everyone knew what had happened and I now have a criminal record – which I have for life - and I couldn’t go back to being an air hostess either for the same reason, so I had to look for a new career.”

Sharon has had the support of an Independent Domestic Violence Advisor (IDVA) for support and safeguarding measures were put in place by the Domestic Abuse Investigation and Safeguarding Unit (DAISU) including a panic alarm and he was given strict bail conditions. Sharon has done numerous domestic abuse courses for victims as well as mental health and well-being courses.

Despite Sharon being vulnerable, she gathered the strength to go to court to see him convicted for two counts of battery and he was sentenced in 2021.

“It was the hardest thing I’ve ever done, but I am proud of myself and I did it for my children and to protect other women from him.”

She said: “I hit rock bottom – it’s changed me forever. I’m better than I was before but I still have a long way to go.”

Sharon still takes medication for anxiety and to help her sleep.

Domestic abuse – including coercive control can happen to anyone at any time and it does not discriminate.  “I would say to anyone experiencing domestic abuse to know your own self-worth and know that it is not OK. It’s so frightening how easy it is to get into a situation like this but there is a way out. Get help, speak to your friends, colleagues or a neighbour, even your hairdresser.

“I’m grateful for the support I’ve had from MARAC (multi-agency risk assessment conference) and my IDVA as well as the Herts police team - DAISU.  But I do feel that victims need more help and support – especially after the court case. I’ve never felt so lonely.  Things are moving in the right direction but more needs to be done.”

Sharon’s ex-boyfriend was sentenced to 16 weeks imprisonment, which was suspended for 12 months, given 100 hours unpaid work, compensation of £800, costs of £620, and a restraining order for 12 months preventing him from contacting Sharon. 

The Domestic Violence Disclosure Scheme (DVDS), also known as “Clare’s Law” enables the police to disclose information to a victim or potential victim of domestic abuse about their partner’s or ex-partner’s previous abusive or violent offending. It can be found on our website.